Feeling Jealous? Come Over Here.

A reality check for those of us who may need it!

I love to share wins and “how-to”s, so this might sound a little strange: the truth is, I often have to remind myself to stop comparing my [books, blog, numbers, vibe, pet, favorite ice cream, etc] to other authors’.

(Mostly kidding about the pet part, because Frankie and William are amazing and exist in their own sphere, naturally. ;D)

Seriously though. Envy is the bane of my contentment. It’s right up there with imposter syndrome and overwork, because all those things feed into each other!

And when I’m in my blog space, chatting with you about these things and holding them at arm’s length so I can distill them into words, of course it sounds a bit silly. A bit vain, even, and mean-spirited. But this impulse to compare (and especially to find oneself wanting) comes from a very deep, frightened, and ultimately human place. In my case, at least, and I suspect the same is true for a lot of us—more than we ever let ourselves think.

So this post is me dragging that little green, scared monster out into the light and giving it a warm blanket, a hug, and a cup of tea.

Here are things to keep in mind . . .

. . . if you’re comparing your stories to others:

I found this meme ages ago on Pinterest (because, yes, that’s the corner of the internet that sucks me in, haha) and continually come back to it. I have no idea who made it (if you know, comment!). But it’s 100% true.

. . . if you’re comparing your successes to others:

There’s a lot of variations of this quote out there, but I like the directness of this one. And you can easily read “author” instead of “woman” here! I struggled a lot with this when I was starting out in the cozy fantasy sphere. I thought my books needed recognition as somehow “first” or “best” in order to “succeed.” I thought there wasn’t enough space for all the books—because there are so many books out there! But it’s nonsense. Let me refer you back to the cartoon above. There is room, and moreover, we make more room for each other with each success.

. . . if you’re comparing your growth to others:

This one verges into spiritual territory—in fact, it’s from a poem (“Desiderata”) written in the 1920s. It’s something I remind myself of frequently; actually, it’s written on one of my sneakers (I have a longstanding tradition of drawing on my shoes, are you surprised?). Everyone has their own path and their own pace. Maybe yours doesn’t make sense to you right now—“why aren’t I getting as many views as that account?” “I should be selling more,” or “nothing I do seems to work, but it works for everyone else,” for example. But in the long run, it will make the sense that it needs to. You’ll find what’s right for you. You’re already on your way there, even if the path isn’t clear and direct.

. . . if you’re comparing your career to others:

This one’s from a blog post made a few years ago! And it’s timeless. Everybody has struggles. Everybody has some strengths, and everybody has some weaknesses. For myself, I had no idea what publishing was going to be like when I started this journey. I have absolutely been in the first and second spots above, and I can see myself having the worries in spots three and four. What I’ve learned: you just don’t know what you don’t know until you’re confronted with it.

Truly. You have no idea. That person who “has it made” that you’re jealous of? You’re making a lot of assumptions about their life. Especially because “having it made” has to do with so much more than just professional or publishing success! Comparing yourself to someone else actually takes a lot of creative effort—we just don’t notice because it happens automatically.

So. Why not take a deep breath, be kind to yourself, and instead imagine the next thing for you that you’re excited about?

And if you have other tips for dealing with jealousy, leave them here! I’d love to see them. Reminders are always welcome. ;)